It's called Tinder because it often goes up in flames.

Sinbaking

The act of taking a young lass to a secluded spot on the beach in order to get her naked for some sea and sun frottage.

Spittoon.

I managed to choke on some steak on Friday night. I could breathe, but the steak wasn't moving, so after some failed first aid and lots of gagging, I ended up in the emergency ward.

I couldn't swallow, so I had a little bucket to spit in, hung off the side of the bed. After several hours of this (they were trying different to dislodge the steak) I had amassed about a pint of spit and vomit.

Into which my mobile phone slides as I knock it off the bed. I fish it out, like something Ripley holds in Aliens, and it's still working perfectly after I clean it off - I guess the viscosity of the evil brew stopped any moisture getting into the phone.

I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, as I get a bit queasy using it now - despite it being wiped down with hospital strength disinfectant wipes.

Profile Gold

"I enjoy a wide range of activities like homebush walking..."


She was Asian, with English as a second language - not sure if this was an honest mistake, or refers to bushwalking with easily managed boardwalks and suitably placed amenities. 
(Homebush is where the Sydney Olympics were held, and has a range of parks)

Great Dating Lines #1

"I have my period, but you can fuck me up the arse"
On a first date, last Tuesday.
I declined the offer.

Smug

On my crowded bus last night, a young Asian student offered a middle aged woman a seat.

She replied: "How can I demand equality if I expect chivalry?" with a look of glee that showed she'd been waiting to use  that line for some time.

The poor kid was bewildered, and everyone else just rolled their eyes.

Ways to end a conversation #1

Received this when talking on OKCupid IM.
"My dog just threw up. I gotta go."

Rebirth?

Hunter S Thompson shot himself in February 2005. The very same month YouTube was launched. What would the Gonzo king have made of it all.

Sydney Women

RSVP is a big Australian pay online dating site.
They're owned by Fairfax, as is the Sydney Morning Herald newspaper.
This was today's online ad in the SMH


Unfortunately, these women seem to be from Florida.
http://www.gettyimages.com.au/detail/200391464-001

Wildfire

Well, that spread quickly...
It seemes I was the first person in the world to post Assange's OKCupid profile, shortly followed by a friend on Reddit (Bondiben). Village Voice picked it up next. The rest of the mainstream press quickly followed.
It gave my tumble weed blog 10 times the traffic it's seen in over 5 years.
Brownie points to Mashable for crediting my find.

Best of luck Mr Assange - in both the trials of dating and of the courts.

Julian Assange on OKCupid?

Is this a legitimate profile of the founder of Wikileaks?
Not accessed by the owner since Jan 1 2007.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/HarryHarrison
If it is, he should be tried for crimes against Photoshop for this profile photo.

Drive Thru

One of my good friends lived in Darlinghust. A semi-grimy inner city suburb. 1 part yuppie, 1 part hobo, 1 part party boy. He had a decrepit Ford Laser parked on the street.

This was broken into one night, leaving it unlockable. Over the following few weeks, it began to be used as an impromptu bedroom by the local streetwalkers. While my friend was aware of this, he was a bit too lazy to do anything about it. Instead flicking the occasional used condoms out into the gutter. 

It was only some time later that he was spurred into action. One of the clients had refused to pay his special lady friend the full amount after the encounter in the car. Somehow, the local brothel who was pimping the strret walkers  felt my friend was the one who owed them money, and left a threatening letter on the dash. 

So he had to both get the car lock fixed, and go into the nearby bordello and argue his situation. 

I got the smarts

Contacted by a girl who described herself as "intellegent" in her profile.

10cc

So now I've had the vasectomy, there's no life forms in my jizz, does that mean the vegetarians can swallow now? It now has no living organisms in it, and no cruelty was inflicted on the animal that provided it.

Sketchy (mostly wrong) theories I won't tell people about.

• More girls in their late 30s like rough sex because it's a coping mechanism for non-committal boys (or maybe they're just more honest) 
• Raised moles mean you're a bit of a sexual deviate.
• Pretty much everyone with a digital camera has nude photos of themselves.
• That girls on a backpacking holiday are greater conquistadors than boys doing the same thing.
• That eastern European girls are mostly a bit crazy.
• Fat girls like sex more, and not because they're desperate.
• That the meekness of Asian girls is too often a façade and should be dispensed with.
• That American girls really do give the best head (blowjobs 101?)
• That Cosmo's 'Hot Sex Tips' really do bore pretty much everyone.
• Brazilians are obnoxious (never trust someone that takes a drum to the beach)

Chop Chopped

I had a vasectomy 4 days ago.

It's been mostly uneventful.

The nurse was very cute - and I was a worried about getting a twinge as she shaved my balls. But better her than the surgeon. Pavlov would have a lot to answer for if that had happened.

The doctor said 'little prick' as I was given the local anaesthetic. I assume he was referring to the needle.

Apparently I have 'good anatomy'. Whether this is in a medical sense, or just aesthetic, he didn't say.

It's not the sort of thing you bring up in conversation, so I've been mentioning that I just have a sore back to explain my walking like Tonto.

I usually sleep on my stomach - which squashes my nuts - which is not good. So I've been sleeping on my side.

There is one stitch on each side. I don't think i'll be getting a genital piercing any time soon.

I jerked off for the first time today - everything still in working order.

I need 10-15 loads let loose to clear the pipes. Then a 3 month wait before a formal pathology report.

I've had no second thoughts. It's quite a relief really. 

Now to work out what to do with all the spare time for the rest of my life.

I've updated my online dating profile to be fairly upfront about this - no point being deceptive.

Judgement

People with lots of gum showing above their teeth when they smile freak me out.

Nutjob

I bought a pair of clippers a couple of years ago when I started the life drawing gig.

They're fab - quick and easy. But take some getting used to.

I realised that shaving the treasure trail looks odd, and that going too short just looks strange - plus you have to grade into the leg hair.

(I shaved my legs when I was in my 20s and racing mountain bikes, but no more - at 6'6" there's too much acreage to cover)

But this time - I left off the #2 comb I usually use, and ground a bare blade into my nuts. Causing minor, but painful damage.

Pay careful attention when using electrical/mechanical devices on your bits.

Madness

A vasectomy is not a pre-existing condition!

It took me 3 hours on the phone to my health provider and hospital to convince them that I didn't need a signed certificate from my gp AND my surgeon for this.

The lack of communication between agencies is bewildering.

As is their ability to pass the buck.

HBA - I'm talking to you.

Fondled

I was felt up by a middle aged man this week.

I paid $200 for the privilege.

He was the urologist I'm seeing for the vasectomy.

I wondered how much money it would take me to fondle another man.

Was the $200 for the skill or the dirty job?

I guess once you've done it the first time...

There was 2 options - local or general anaesthetic. Apparently it comes down to nut sensitivity. Some boys squirm and giggle (his words).

Which would be embarrassing.

I was also worried about having a bit of movement. Pavlovian conditioning and all.