Madness

A vasectomy is not a pre-existing condition!

It took me 3 hours on the phone to my health provider and hospital to convince them that I didn't need a signed certificate from my gp AND my surgeon for this.

The lack of communication between agencies is bewildering.

As is their ability to pass the buck.

HBA - I'm talking to you.

Fondled

I was felt up by a middle aged man this week.

I paid $200 for the privilege.

He was the urologist I'm seeing for the vasectomy.

I wondered how much money it would take me to fondle another man.

Was the $200 for the skill or the dirty job?

I guess once you've done it the first time...

There was 2 options - local or general anaesthetic. Apparently it comes down to nut sensitivity. Some boys squirm and giggle (his words).

Which would be embarrassing.

I was also worried about having a bit of movement. Pavlovian conditioning and all.

Stop Thinking

I've been trapped in endless handwringing discussions with girls I know over the meaning of a text or email from a boy they're smitten with. We usually don't think that much. Especially over the semantics of "see you later". I have the luxury of not really caring (?) about the people I'm dating at the moment. At least not this obsessive extent.

There also seems to be an excessive passivity amongst the girls I know. "If he really likes me, he'll call me". God - He might not know if he likes you after the very first date. Don't just sit silently if you like a guy. He might be as clueless as me.

Chop Chop

After years of pondering, and months of deliberation and research, I've decided to have a vasectomy. I'm fast approaching 40, with no desire to have kids.

(Don't get me wrong, I like them - but more avuncular than paternal.

I called the family planning clinic - who almost never get people like me. It's either adamant 22 year olds, or guys my age with 3 kids.

I asked if they had any literature for me to read, but they had nothing more than a couple of pamphlets explaining how sore your nuts will be post op, and if bukakke is still an option for you.

So I ended up chatting to the Librarian, who scratched her head, and came back a week later with some research. All of which puts me as an outlier.

But then I met a psychologist who had her tubes tied in order not to have kids - which is a bit more radical than a quick snip to the nuts.

My doctor was pleasantly supportive of my request - and a referral was no problem, either ethically or medically.

The first appointment is tomorrow.

Profile Name

JuicyTube - worst or best name ever on an internet dating site?

She professes to be after only a relationship.

I Googled it expecting to find a litany of porn, but only found cosmetic products.

Men.

This was on a girl's profile.

I couldn't find a source, but it's been around for a long time.

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.

The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think you are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after your money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think you are beautiful enough.

The men who think you are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice, and have money are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, and have some money and, thank God, are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!

The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in you when you take the initiative.

Ch-ch-ch--ch-changes

It's kind of awkward when you've been talking online to a girl for a while, then read her profile more carefully and realise she's a m-f transsexual. How do you get out of that one politely?

Smart Girls

Intelligence is my biggest turn-on.

Yesterday I went on a date with a postdoctoral astrophysicist from XXX (top notch international university - edited for privacy).

I've now doomed all potential future dates.

And totally lost interest with the fat opera singer I had lined up for this week.

She's in town for only 2 weeks.

Exercise

I asked a girl the other day what sport she did - she replied "nothing - I'm naturally skinny" as if the only reason for doing sport would be to lose weight. Bewildering.

Statistics.

Me "Half the world are below average"

Her "More than half I'd say."

Beach Dating Bingo

I was playing with a friend's kids on the beach.

After I left, a nearby mum gave her number to my friend to pass on.

I didn't call.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl( MPDG)

A a stock character in films.

Film critic Nathan Rabin, who coined the term after seeing Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown, describes the MPDG as "that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."

Can I buy you a drink? Or do you just want the Money.

Some introductory (complete) messages I've recently received from an online dating site:

(these were the complete messages)

• "just reading your profile you sound very sure of your self maybe you are just a playa?"
• "Do you tend to internally narrate your own life?"
• "emmm....do you by any chance need a wife? :))"

There is a middle ground between telling your life story, and a pithy stock opening line. Some girls prattle endlessly, others say just hi, and expect the guy to do the work, and some seem to be taking advice from Neil Strauss and open with a neg.

Holding out.

3rd date rule? Shag on the first date? Does it make a difference?

If the only card you hold is letting me sleep with you or not, then it's not going to go far.

I'm still undecided where I stand on this.

If you're not hungry, then it doesn't matter how good the food is.

I've tried not entangling myself with a girl to build more connection, but it's a losing battle.

If you don't have the enthusiasm to see them for subsequent dates, the chemistry ain't there.

Oedipus

I was cycling across France, and picked up a cute Italian girl.

Things were getting steamy, she had her top off, and I was kissing her breasts.

She said "Aww - you miss your mother..."

-That was the end of it really. Both of the story and my erection.

Thoughts

There's nothing wrong with hooking up with your stepsister.

It's like double dating with your Dad.

Greenberg

I watched this movie the other night.

I now have a terrible fear that Roger Greenberg is the man I might become.

Quotes

"You can put on make-up, but you can't hide crazy"

Operation Endgame

Chop Chop

I'm a 38 yo guy. I like kids. They like me. I just don't want my own.

I called the family planning centre to get some information on a vasectomy.

They didn't have anything beyond surgery risks and fears.

Nothing about the social or psychological aspect.

I found a great librarian who pulled a bunch of articles from medical journals.

None of the research was relevant to me - it was either dads who had enough kids, or 22 yo guys who were deemed a bit damaged.

So my gp, and everyone else just shrugged and said make up your own mind.

Am I that unusual?

She knows?

I had coffee with a new girl on the weekend. She was from the internet. She had a sweaty nose. Nowhere else, just tiny beads of sweat on her nose. I could barely concentrate on the conversation, as it took all my focus not to grab a paper napkin, and reach across the table to dab at it.