Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Kicking and Screaming

Some people are dragged reluctantly into the world of online dating.
I received this kiss tonight.
" Hi and thanks for reading , I am not out to receive crap from guys who want to play games so dont bother . I must say i am not really in to meeting people on the net but it seems the way. I shall try for a short time."

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Mystery SMS

I received this the other day:
"London is calling, and its calling you a raging homosexual"

The Clash reference elevates this to a level of weirdness.
Practical joke, stalker or wrong number?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Pluck it.

Last month, I was dating a girl with exceptionally hairy nipples. I felt that if she had reached 30 years old without it being a problem for her, then who was I to question her plucking tactics.

Sunday, August 21, 2005


I’m dating a Jewish girl, who I figure has only been out with only Jewish boys in the past.
How have I come up with this idea? Hand-job technique. There’s two ways of doing things, and each only works with the foreskin it was founded for. American girls seemed to have a similar gap in their education, due to the prevalence of the chop over there. However, it’s commonly said that ‘Head-jobs 101’ is part of the school curriculum in the States, given the high level of accomplishment.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


I was sent a kiss today by a girl I catch the bus with.
We've never spoken.
The next trip might be awkward,
as I sent back the automated 'not interested' reply.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Bad Date

I was seeing a girl back when I was 17.
She was on work experience and I was meeting her in town.
I was riding home uphill, to get to the bus, to meet her for lunch.

Next thing I know I’m pulling my face out of the shattered back window of a Mercedes-Benz. -I’d broken the window with my nose, and while I knew I was in trouble, and there was blood dripping on the road, I could still see and walk. I went to a building site 50 metres down the road. One of the workers lost his lunch when he saw me. They called an ambulance.
I had a strangely chatty ride with the ambos. I passed the bus I was trying to catch on the 20 km drive to the hospital.

I was met by an intern, who began cleaning my face up with saline and a sponge, - as good as rubbing sandpaper into an open wound.
She then stitched me up, and my blood alcohol level was tested for the police.
I then checked myself out of hospital, called the girl, and met her after work.
None of this seemed strange to me.
I had 20 stitches in my nose and chin, my two front teeth were broken, and most of my face was cut up.

But I was expected home at 8 PM, and still had plenty of time to go.
I terrified a lot of people walking through the city that afternoon.

I met the girl, she was a little upset, but took it surprisingly well.
We caught the bus back to her place.
There was no one there, so we kissed for a bit.
This was awkward, as the nerves in my teeth were partly exposed.
Her parents came home, freaked out, and called my parents over. They were a bit pissed.
I had lukewarm custard for dinner, as the teeth were a little sensitive, but I was hungry.

I had my teeth fixed the next morning, and went to school.
That evening I went to the police station, and found the lady whose car I had hit wasn’t going to charge me for the repair bill.
The wounds couldn’t be bandaged, so I looked like Frankenstein for the next couple of weeks.

The girl continued dating me through all of this, but I broke up with her soon after.
She drew a picture of me, complete with unshaven whiskers where I couldn’t shave next to the scars.
Bits of glass worked their way out of my face for the next 4 years.
I had plastic surgery 2 years later.

Most people don’t notice the scars until I point them out.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Best of luck!

Scored a winner of a kiss today.

"Hi I'm a single mum and pregnant again. I have 2 adorable kids and another baby due in December 05. Looking for a man who loves kids and wants to get married."
"My goal in life is to get married and stop working."

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Post-orgasm regret

Gore Vidal said, “I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.”
But Tom Robbins comes back with, “…while sex without love could have its thrills and satisfactions, sex without soul was like salad without dressing—a bowl of roughage fit for cattle and goats.”

The moment sex ends, you get a moment of clarity about what you are looking for. No longer are you driven by your dick, but by the heart and the rational mind. If you don’t really like the girl you’re with, you end up fleeing the scene.

Maybe Ben Stiller did have the right idea in 'Something About Mary'

Friday, August 12, 2005

Stamping ground

I bought a book of stamps this week, a coupon system that allows me to contact other people on the dating site. Of the 24 messages I can send with these, about 15 girls will likely reply, 10 will warrant meeting after a couple of emails and a phone call, and about 2 of 3 be worth seeing again. With any luck, they might want to see me again too.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A week of kisses

I have my mugshot on an internet dating site. I get a few people wanting to meet me, but very few that I would like to meet. Here are this weeks abridged versions.

30 inner west Likes cuddles & puppies - NO

24 city No Photo, likes U2 & Da Vinci Code NO
26 city No Photo, likes zombie flicks and art galleries NO
36 North Likes BBQs & simple things in life NO
35 East Likes everything except country music NO
30 South Fashion & science mags Nah
35 City 70s music & comedies No
x Deleted profile since I checked, No
37 North 1 kid and a passion for Jack Johnson No Way

26 City Dancing and motorsport. No
23 City Married looking for sex No

31 South Personal development & Forrest Gump No
32 QLD Gladiator & power walking No
35 City Mates, footy and surfing No
34 East AFL and organic eating No
26 City Bad spelling and soft rock No
35 City Sweet men but not horror movies No
35 North Philosophy and mountain biking YES
29 North Read nutrition books & was under 5 foot tall No
28 City Non specific kiwi – no photo Nope

32 Cent Coast Hatred of Danielle Steele & Celine dion Maybe
30 East Airline hostess & Harry Potter fan No
26 East Complimentary Medicine & Dancing No
33 City Opera & children No
34 City Profile since deleted No
30 South Coast Beach and motorbikes No

28 North Dislikes cyber sex, likes tennis No
29 North The Outsiders and the beach No
25 East Quiet nights and time with friends No

34 East REM & 3 colours No
33 North AFL & horses No

Of the 33 'kisses' I wanted to meet one. We spoke last night for an hour. Could be promising. Plans for dinner in chinatown next monday.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Bus Ride

I met a girl on the bus on the weekend. I’m going out with her tonight.
This is my second bus date – I met another on the night bus home in Dublin (a memorable experience that usually involves someone throwing up, a high-octane fight between a drunken couple, and someone getting a low profile hand-job on the back seat). I went out with her the next night and she had her handbag stolen while she was kissing me in a doorway in Temple Bar. We went home together after a trip to the police station, but when she woke up sober, she decided she didn’t like me any more... She glared at me a couple of times on subsequent night bus rides.